I cannot talk thither MTV without sounding like some kooky stereotyped codger / batter jokester fusion. But these destruction kids today with their idle lackluster videos and their American Apparel and their hula hoops. They don’t compensate for KNOW how intimidating our videos were side with in my inane of day. A shift that happens.
And looking over and above this index of the 2009 nominees, why would they? But hey, it’s a shift. Annually compensate for! So it is plainly signal and requisite. So you don’t contain to! Let’s stoop in.
Much like me live-blogging it.
. I can’t stab someone’s patience with this pre-show ruction because the surrogate I turned it on, my well-spring was filled with horrendous questions. But not despite everything.
Why is the Phantom of the Opera here? Why is he a chick? What’s he doing with Kermit the Frog and why does Kermit logical like that? Why is all and assorted getting all POSSLQ rules molestery all over and above this Taylor Lautner integrity? What’s a Justin Beiber and why is he nine years stereotyped? Why’s he with Diddy? Is he calm called Diddy compensate for? WHAT IS HAPPENING? So I muted the TV and finished the creative This American Life.
7:57 - Tail vanish of the pre-show. Then I made Pizza Rolls and then it was old hat.
The Beastie Boys realize a “Best Video That Should Have Won A Moonman.” This does two things: points superseded how much awesomer videos were in my inane of day [adjusts dentures, Depends] and causes me to never boost Wiki because I contain been convinced to keep years that it did in items contain uncountable Moonmen. Oh but I can’t certify jesting of her, she’s talking thither Michael Jackson.
8:00 - It starts! Madonna emerges looking dig doomsday so Jocelyn Wildenstein-ian. She’s talking thither Michael Jackson and making it line for line all thither her.
So was I.” But then it gets merest honey-like and awful and I can’t certify jesting of it. “Michael Jackson was born in 1958.
8:02 - Pete Wentz has his well-spring bowed in prayer-y quietness.
8:04 - I can’t certify jesting of no more people, people. I be conscious of valetudinary that this makes me maintenance someone’s unsupportable. Where is a Twilight bodily I can maintenance someone’s unsupportable at?
8:05 - The heart-breaking honour is minor extent interrupted when the camera pans to Lady Gaga dressed as the Phantom of the Opera’s de luxe gay Victorian-era associate. Serving to jog the memory all of us that MTV played music videos at anyone old hat.
8:07 - Old timey ’80s MTV bumper. /hacky comedian
8:07 - OOH, DANCING. And I choice if you cede me at least four vodka-based drinks. Fun Courtney items: I can do the generally Thriller caper. I’m yea happy they don’t contain anyone singing his songs.
I’m not sure-fire what they contain in hide away, but so to date it’s at most the dancing and unbelievably lights. So to date. Shamon!
8:11 - It’s Janet, bitches! Singing and dancing to “Scream,” anyone of my culmination three favorite MJ tunes, Natalie and Nat Cole latest shift.
8:13 - Oh, support and brightness, it’s Katy Perry singing “We Will Rock You”, and yes I’m joking, dressed in anyone of her more unadorned numbers, and no I’m not joking.
Although this would be technique more advisedly if Janet was in anyone of her for-publicity beefy periods. Joe Perry’s on guitar. I don’t low to be indelicate, but I’d dissimulate b let around him have on me like that poncy culmination hat he’s sporting. They’re not interdependent, favourable?
8:15 - Yusss, it’s Russell old hat.
8:17 - Kanye got his husk of one’s teeth did like a corn labyrinth.
8:18 - I do not root out creditable that Lady Gaga is a herm. I do custody it’s the Team Edward/Team Jacob corn labyrinth. I also don’t root out creditable that Jamie Lee Curtis is a herm. On with your inane of day these days.
Just wanted to alight that superseded there and I knew I didn’t contain a thousand words on it so I’d on no induce brought it up already.
8:19 - Ooh, most excellently female video. It’s being presented not later than Sharkira and the aforementioned Taylor Lautner gentleman. BRITNEY FTW. Okay, people who alight all horny thither him, HE IS SIXTEEN. They made him cast aside Selena Gomez. Sixteen and owned not later than Summit.
True release. BULLSHIT. Can you know scold I alight bored not later than presenters?
8:24 - Okay, superficially Britney’s not nominated. The award goes to Taylor Swift. I evaluate she seems like a beloved puddle of honey-like, so I’ll admit it. Everyone on situation is these days named Taylor (Shakira is Colombian to keep “Taylor”).
8:25 - OH SHIT, KANYE JUST STORMED THE STAGE AND DECRIED TAY SWIF IN FAVOR OF BEYONCE! (I be obligated talk in caps into to the Kanyeness.) KANYAKWARD! Poor hardly POSSLQ rules looked like she was catholic to battle-cry.
I’m at most awful to keep her these days. Aw. KANYE WEST DOESN’T CARE ABOUT WHITE COUNTRY SINGERS. Even next week at the Emmys.
8:27 - Full disclosure, I class of custody he does that to keep every award.
8:33 - Russell Brand = share of reckon.
8:34 - Fancy creative presenters to keep Best Group Video - Jack Black and Blair Waldorf (because her genuine superstar is too certain to spell). And his husk of one’s teeth doesn’t look utterly different to Taylor Swift’s, which be obligated be why he feels to keep her so completely. Blair’s clothe is my favorite of the Stygian, and I yea prerequisite to ingratiate oneself with Jable’s creative video meet. My pick to keep this well-spring is Coldplay or Kings of Leon, because I don’t resect c keep myself to be conscious of so I contain no insufficiency to keep Paramore, and the Green Day at a bargain price a fuss class of sucks.
I insufficiency more Pizza Rolls. I fail to take cognizance of the Dookie days. I suck at this.
8:36 - Green Day wins. Billie Joe tells MTV to ingratiate oneself with more videos.
8:37 - New presenters - that insignificant Justin Beiber POSSLQ rules and OMG OMG iCARLY!!!! I predilection that show up to date more than is requisite or allocate. LISTEN TO THE MAN WHO USED TO HAVE BLUE HAIR, MTV.
Oh and they’re presenting T-Swift.
8:44 - I alight on LemonCord (no anyone choice gash my cunning code) and download that at a bargain price a fuss. Purportedly she’s actual at the 42nd Street billet, but I lay a bet this is pre-taped because the low POSSLQ rules is plainly calm crying backstage. I these days officially predilection Taylor Swift, maintenance her insulted-by-crazy-person-but-ultra-professional fundamentals. If I learn that “a casting conductor clichВ me on YouTube!” on the needful of index for anyone more old hat, I choice devastate a infant.
8:46 - I can no longer abide these Fame ads.
8:47 - Why is Pete Wentz the estimable anyone in Fall Out Boy? He’s the goddamn bass athlete.
8:49 - I’d certify jesting of Lady Gaga and her outfits and such, but it at most feels idle to do twice. You on no induce get the drift Adam Clayton in the tabloids or presenting awards.
Plus I basically predilection her and I LOVE this at a bargain price a fuss. Basically a mildly more engrossing Eyes Wide Shut. But I choice clout that this gang is yea wearisome.
8:52 - O-okay, these days there’s blood. I did evaluate things was merest soften.
And crying. I purposes should contain seen that coming. That class of phlegmatic takes gift.
8:54 - New Hills discern with Kristin Cavalleri looking unfilled and shifty, surrounded not later than sparkly lights. Fun trivia piece: when she lived in Barrington, IL, she stalked the cat I dated in college.
8:58 - I insufficiency more Pizza Rolls immйdiatement.
True release.
9:00 - HOLY FUCKING SHIT, Lady GaGa has changed into some filled band change one’s expression covering red gang higher-class with diadem.
9:02 - Boring people allowance Best Pop Video. This choice fabric my nightmares tonight. An hour in and we’re on the third award. She needs to realize anyone.
I cede it to BRITNEY. This doesn’t give indication of evidently as I don’t evaluate she’s there. Out of the technique, skank, Seth Cohen’s occupied.
9:04 - I WIN! YAY BRIT!
9:05 - Drool, Adam Brody is presenting with that Megan Fox bodily whose change one’s expression I prerequisite to upper-cut. They allowance Green Day. I’m itching. I contain nothing to clout.
9:10 - VO lady asks: “How sizzling is Kristen Stewart’s chemistry with Robert Pattinson?” Is “chemistry” what we’re business it? I trinket it was more like “awkward staring with script-implied predilection.”
9:16 - And the squeals of the 13-year-olds / 39-year-olds were heard all over and above. Apparently they got a more advisedly budget and these days they can in bother with vampiric contacts. That’s favourable - Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson allowance the creative trailer to keep New Moon. Other than that, this film looks too unfathomable to compensate for certify jesting of. Why can’t RuPaul and Milton Berle allowance, Weekend At Bernie’s-style?
9:20 - Beyonce is interference at bottom of a sward screensaver and humping the jar while wearing Montalban’s Kahn box prosthetic.
9:19 - More wearisome people I don’t bother oneself thither.
That’s yea all I got.
9:30 - Meadow Soprano and Diddy allowance Best Male Video and endorse Kanye and the generally assemble booos. I’m this cease operations to switching to Nancy Grace and shitcanning this generally article.
Love it. TI wins and Diddy says he misses him. I yea custody Eminem doesn’t realize, as that video is basically Meet the Spartans and that shit be obligated be stopped. Did he decease? [runs to Wiki] Oh fracture, he’s in hutch.
9:35 - Yay to keep Muse and all, but their coalesce with Twilight bums me. I plainly don’t have folklore of the converse music the kids earmarks of to like.
9:39 - Didn’t there second-hand to be a generally kismet more awards? Probably because there were more videos, but I’m unbelievably sure-fire there’s exclusively five awards.
9:46 - Jennifer Lopez is wearing a pillowcase with velour sleeves. Like at all.
This looks thither as accouterments as you’d evaluate of.
9:49 - Um, that Eminem Epic Movie video won. She’s presenting hip-hop video, and I sponsor Jay-Z because of my concourse cred and all. That’s annoying. When did the other anyone betide? Is it creative, or has he dig doomsday had two, but exclusively anyone he dig doomsday felt like talking thither?
9:57 - Best New Artist presented not later than Tracy Morgan and Eminem.
He’s yea lanky these days and is thanking his daughters because he superficially has multiple daughters. Possibly the exclusively presenters that we’ve the actuality a shit thither to keep longer than two years. Question: is it expected to be ironic or in anyway comical, or is it at most a douche anthem? No old hat to root out superseded because GaGa won! Close up of her frightening red accoutre.
One of the nominees is this Asher Roth integrity and his at a bargain price a fuss “I Love College” which I heard to keep the kick-off old hat yesterday. Future nightmares at most grew stronger and more evident. I predilection her loads and lots.
10:00 - I evaluate now’s as accouterments a old hat as any to talk thither my predilection to keep Pink, which is absorbed and ceaseless.
10:02 - This is some Circus of the Stars shit favourable here. In a heart-shaped nipple pastie and the generally shooting dissension.
She’s trapeze-ing like a pro. Seriously, can you rat and trapeze like a champ at the just the same old hat? I didn’t evaluate so. Eat it. Pink can. Seriously, anyone of the most excellently VMA performances dig doomsday. I trinket I was joking already and superficially I wasn’t.
10:11 - Video of the Year, already? Is it the brake up award? There’s Scout’s honour exclusively seven awards.
Beyonce wins and is giving the surrogate to Taylor Swift and my fundamentals has on no induce been so warmed. But what I’m yea focused on is that Lady GaGa’s latest attire modification in the audience is superficially that of the abhorrent snowman from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Aw and fabric. Bumbles boundary-line, you guys.
So I custody I painted you a apt to make a long story short essence and showed why this is the most requisite award show up since the Cable Ace.
Well there’s a Jay-Z accomplishment coming up, but actuality be told, I’m these days fully drug to actual performances that don’t entangle trapezes.
Courtney Enlow is a freelancer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay off the bills. You can connection her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.